I knew The Avengers would be epic. It turned out to be even more epic than I had hoped for.
I’m not saying it’s a good movie. In a lot of ways, it’s a bad movie. The story is complete bullshit. Loki comes to Earth through a space portal, controls humans to make another portal to bring an army through, and still decides that it’s in his best interests to focus on exactly seven “superheroes,” only three of whom actually have any special skills. Screw focusing on my actual goal of conquering the Earth – let’s just fight these guys on a very even playing field.
Oh, that’s right, because an advanced alien armada actually has no answer for bullets, rockets and fists. And also, how does Dr. Selvig actually manage to throw in a failsafe? If he were capable of doing that, why did he listen to Loki in the first place?
Anyways, that’s basically the story. Loki came, Loki saw, Loki royally fucked up the conquering bit.
Most Valuable Player
Tony Stark/Ironman (as played by Robert Downey Jr.) – We give this award to Mr. Stark reluctantly, because for the most part he’s such an insufferable dickhead. And really, his vibranium heartpiece can save him from Asgardian magic? That’s bullshit.
On the other hand, holy crap. What a performance. From the very get-go, he saves Captain America’s ass from Loki. Then he fights Thor – who, we should mention, is a god – and successfully retrieves his prisoner.
When the SHIELD ship’s engines go out, he’s the guy who fixes them. He then flies to New York, and is the first line of defense against the invading Chitauri fleet, and is quite frankly the most badass fighter in the entire battle. He just blows shit up right left and center. He even flew into the mouth of one of those gigantic frickin’ creatures. That’s marriage-level commitment to the team.
Oh, and he also flies a nuclear missile into the Chitauri mothership, destroying the fleet and disabling the invading soldiers (which is also bullshit; they’re not robots), thus winning the entire god damn war. Game, set and match: Humans.
Stark just brings the most complete skill-set to the field. He’s faster than a jet. He’s as strong as any other Avenger. And while everyone else relies on close range brute force – besides Hawkeye, I guess, but really, a bow and arrow? What is this, Agincourt? – Ironman brings firepower to the table. Did we mention he blows shit up? He’s like a gunship, except indestructible.
Not bad, Stark. And even at the risk of inflating your already elephantine ego, you are our MVP. Congratulations.
We really like Gladiator, because, shit, it’s a good movie.
It’s also completely ridiculous. Seriously, if the acting wasn’t so good, people would laugh this movie right out of the room.
Why do the barbarians stand still while the Roman army throws fireballs at them? Why doesn’t Marcus Aurelius have bodyguards with him when he meets with people? Why does the fucking Emperor decide to fight a Gladiator? Seriously, what does he stand to gain from that?
Whatever. It still makes for a pretty exciting story. Of the general who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an Empire. I know that that’s basically the tagline of the movie, but it sums up the story pretty well, so I’ll go with it.
Now! The awards…
Most Valuable Player
Lucilla (as played by Connie Nielsen) – Ok, I hear you.
She betrays Maximus, meaning that her plan for deposing Commodus basically fails.
Or does it?
Think about it. Her goal is to kill the Emperor and keep her son alive so that he can become the next guy in line. Mission fucking accomplished.
The Devil’s advocate in me would say, “Yes, but the only reason shit went down like that was because Commodus decided it was a great idea to fight Maximus.” Luck, or shrewd planning? Her brother is nothing if not a showboater. She knew there was a good chance he’d do something stupid.
And let’s say the original plan had succeeded. Now Maximus is in Rome with 5000 men, and, yes, he says he’s going to leave. But I’ve seen enough movies to know that power corrupts. And Hollywood is never wrong about anything. Right?
At the end of the day, Lucilla has managed to kill everyone who might oppose her son’s ascension to the Imperial throne. She also, notably, does not need to sleep with her brother.
That has MVP written all over it. Haters gonna hate, but Lucilla is the real deal.
I knew where Transformers was going within one line:
“Before time began, there was the Cube.”
Fortified with cheap wine, however, I pressed on. No, it was not a good movie. Entertaining, though? Oh hell yes.
Say what you will about Michael Bay, he gives the people what they want. Explosions. Hot-as-sin females. Gigantic death-robots. Fighting. And we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the good ol’ fashioned Hitler-killing, bald eagle-shitting American kick ass-ness that we all still wished was a thing.
I’m not even going to go into the plot, because it’s completely irrelevant. You watch this movie to see Optimus Prime – in stunning high definition CGI – stab some other poor bastard through the face with a sword.
So, yeah, the awards…
Most Valuable Player
Bumblebee (as voiced by Mark Ryan) – If we weren’t as diligent as we are about handing out awards, we’d have probably given this one to Optimus Prime. After all, he does put a sword through some other dude’s face.
But come on, even I could do some impressive shit if I had retractable sword hands. Bumblebee? Not even, like, a shank. Sure, he has cannons, but the only time he uses them is when his legs have been blown off. Otherwise it wouldn’t be a fair fight.
Bumblebee’s first bout of fisticuffs comes against Barricade, who breaks the rules slightly by having a mace. Bumblebee takes Barricade’s best shot with said mace, then bodyslams him through the roof of a house. And there was apparently more where that came from, because Sam and Mikaela return to the fight scene to see Bumblebee strolling around without a care in the god damn world.
Oh, did we not mention Sam and Mikaela? Because I think it goes without saying that fighting a death match with a gigantic war robot must be a pretty desperate experience, even if you didn’t have to keep two fleshy little meatsacks from getting squashed under your combined mechanical girths. (Cock joke? Probably.) Credit to the Camaro, though: Mission accomplished.
Then he, in order: Saves Sam and Mikaela from falling to their deaths, gets captured, tortured, gets released, doesn’t lose his shit, readies the Cube for transport, loses his legs while shielding friendlies from a missile attack, then still kills Devastator.
By the way, at the end of the movie, Sam and Mikaela bone on his hood. There are about six different instances in this plot line where I would have given up. Not Bumblebee, because that’s not what MVPs do.
Scout Earth? Check. Locate kid? Check. Protect kid? Check on the rep, yep, second to none. Who are we to disagree? The guy can do no wrong, and for that, we must reward him.